A Valentine's Day Poem

They tell you what to eat and wear,
And how you should love and care.
So they created a day called "Valentine's",
When love becomes very blind.
They sell you roses costing ten times more,
For fifty, they'll take it to her door.
If love is measured by roses red,
What happens when they droop and fade?
Candlelight dinner you can't afford,
Can't tell her, or your status will drop.
If love is measured by where we dine,
What happens when stomach's not fine?
Fanciful costly card you must buy,
Everyone's doing it, so you don't ask why.
If love is measured by what's on a card,
What happens when words fail the heart?
Newspapers want to make money too,
Reserve love columns just for you.
If love is measured by such publicity,
What happens when faced with the ordinary?
Why let love be so commercialised,
An annual affair, reduced to a price.
Senseless competition of status and style,
By those all geared up to make a big pile.
It's the giving of yourself each day,
In the many small and simple ways.
That make you a true and precious friend,
Who will live and love till the very end.

Happy Valentine's Day :)

Credit Suisse's Prediction Bad for SPGs

I read from the Straits Times today that according to a new report from Credit Suisse, it was predicted that an astonishing 300,000 jobs could be lost in Singapore this year and next. Most of the workers to lose jobs would be foreigners, who...would then have to leave Singapore, which...would then lead to a decline in Singapore's population.

Less foreigners can be bad news for a lot of things here, among them, our SPGs (aka Sarong Party Girls). In the first place, I am not even sure if there is going to be a lot of partying going forward in the light of the economic crisis. They can still keep their sarongs, though...No? You mean their boyfriends also steal it and bring home with them?

You see, soon, many SPGs' "ang-moh" boyfriends will be leaving Singapore, some for good. Some just leave. Some leave a mess. Our SPGs have a few choices: Follow them whenever their boyfriends go, no more boyfriends, or find new ones. Life goes on, right, girls?

But I am afraid the party music may be fading.

You see, those foreigners who missed the axe, the remaining few (aka "remainers"), will most likely have their pay slashed, their work hours lengthened due to fewer colleagues in the office, or just covering that poor bastard that got axe hours ago.

These "remainers" will be pressured to work hard and not screw up the tiniest bit, least their turn to get chopped. So they work harder, come in earlier (which means no more late nights at the pubs with you SPGs), more on the ball during work time (means no more long lunches with you SPGs) or some secret escapee here and there during work hours.

In short, those remainers will have little or no time for their SPGs girlfriends.

In addition, the remainers will probably cut down on their use-to-be heavy spendings, on themselves? No! On their SPGs of course! Less flowers, less or no more Tiffany (Poh Heng may be a good alternative since gold price is quite soft now, among other things, you know), less high-end restaurants.

On the contrary, these remainers may have to downgrade from condos to HDBs, from private clubs to public pools, cars to motorcycles, gym memberships to a jog in Bishan Park. They may even consider the possibility of "digging" into the reserves of ...thier SPGs. Afterall, they should have some reserve right, shouldn't they? Most of them have enjoyed all-expensed-paid-for dates and trips. They should have some savings, hopefully. Savings is a no-brainer thingy, you know what I mean. Or did they just saved the underwears and polo-shirts of their boyfriends at home only? Not much worth though...

But all is not lost, my dear SPGs. You see, your current "ang-moh" boyfriends will not have the flare and fare to woo other SPGs liao. He will have no choice but to stick with the current loser SPG, till the next one is available. He will be less incline to have more than one "pet" because cat food is expansive! No pounds and pennies, no pets and pussies. After all, the SPGs are just their extra-curriculum activities, and extra curriculum needs extra...CASH! That can be done away for the time being.

Another good news for the SPGs. Since oil price is still low, and travel costs have drastically decreased, what better time than now to go buy a ticket on-line and fly to your boyfriends homeland, whenever it may be. Less SPGs here may not be a bad idea after all, and you will be the exotic foreign talent elsewhere. Good bye, and good luck to you. You won't be missed.

Okay, I may be joking about this whole thing at the expense of my expat friends. I apologise. If you are reading this, I hope it does not imply you. I just can't help letting my mind wonder off to the absurd eventuality as I ponder about my usual daily readings. It is not personal. Don't kill me even it is true about your life right now, whether you are that expat or the ...SPG!

"Claypot" Laksa?

I dined out at the Food Republic (Vivo City) last night, and had a really interesting encounter with this stall that sell one of our favourite local dish - LAKSA!

The signboard read: "Claypot Laksa: $6.90"

Wow! That's steep for a bowl of almighy but ubiquitous laksa, I thought.

Wait a minute, I just had one last week near Katong, for a mere $4.00. Served in a plastic bowl.

But wait another minute, I also just had a bowl of Laksa last last week near my good old neighbourhood coffeeshop, for... $3.00. Sadly, it was also served in plastic bowl.

So now I understand:

Between Laksa and "Katong" Laksa, the different is $1. (or the real different is actually just the word "Katong")

Okay, now between "claypot" laksa and "Katong" Laksa, the different is ... $2.90 !!! (or the real different is just the word "claypot")

Now it set me wondering:

1. Does laksa really taste better in claypot? I doubt so.
2. Does eating Laksa in Katong cost $1 or 2 more?
3. Will it be cheaper if it is Sengkang Laksa?
4. Must I pay more if my Laksa is prepared elsewhere, but sell and served in Katong?

I am sure by now you get what I am hitting :)

No no... is it really better if it is actually "COOKED" in a claypot?? I doubt so too.

So, those diners that paid $6.90 for that touted bowl of heavenly milk noodle is actually paying for the container (claypot) ... yeah ... just the vessel that hold the ordinary, everyhwere-available laksa. I find it laughable and pathetic.

Remember: Anything that is written "Claypot" is not really that "Claypot"... if you know what I mean.

Laksa in a claypot does little to enhance the flavour. It does enhance the bottomline for the laksa seller though...that I am very certain.

What a ripped-off!!!

International Cow-poration

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon'
and market them World-Wide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.

BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch and forget about the cows.

SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.

INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then mid-way through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price,
you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk,
and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister with all the shit around him.

SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

Legal, Logical and Neither

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Recipe: How to Make Love

rec·i·pe /ˈrɛsəpi [res-uh-pee]

1. a set of instructions for preparing something, esp. a food dish;
2. a method to attain a desired end.

Dictionary.com

HOW TO MAKE LOVE - A Recipe of Love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft.

If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

NOTICE!!!

NOTICE:

If you notice this notice, you should notice that this notice is not a notice! :)

The Last Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man at the table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

Twelve...

Tom was starting he's first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there's one old man keep walking round and round a well saying twelve, twelve, twelve.

So out of curiosity he walk forward and ask the old man, how come he keep counting twelve.

The old man point his finger in the well. So as Tom was bending down and look into the well. The old man give Tom a mighty hard kick and Tom fell into the well.

And the old man continue walking round and round the well saying thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen...

Competition is Good

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

Goblins

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?"

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in."

The goblins replies "OK, you've got it."

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."

"OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!"

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"

"I'm 27", she replies.

"Screw me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins!"

Who's In-Charge?

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:

Brain: I should be in charge because I run all body functions.

Blood: I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.

Stomach: I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.

Legs: I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.

Eyes: I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.

Asshole: I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1: Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2: Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3: Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4: Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5: Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6: The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

Moral of the story:

NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE!!!

Sick & Exhausted

A lady visited her doctor again.

Doctor: You look more sick & exhausted then before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?

Lady: What? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!!!!

Drown It!

Woman: Doctor, an ant entered my vagina, please take it out.

Doctor removes her panties and start making love .

Woman: What are you doing?

Doctor: This is the only way to drown the bastard!

Make it Pretty, Please!

Women asked God to make the penis pretty.

GOD said" No way! Now as it is, the penis is so ugly & you still suck it. If I make it pretty you'll eat it up!!

Oral Exam

Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION.

Class Teacher: Why not?

Schoolgirl: Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"

Cock & Balls

COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.

BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE!

Came From Behind

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?

Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face" !

Pee Pee in MRT

This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious! This is an encounter of friend's friend's friend (so don't know how true, but quite funny)

The male colleague had just boarded the train at Orchard MRT Station. He found a seat facing a woman and her 5 year old son (estimated). He soon realised that the boy was pestering his mum to bring him to the toilet.His mum whispered to him to hold on until Bugis station. He reluctantly obeyed.

After another station, he started begging to visit the loo again. At raised voice, his mum commanded to sit and behave himself. He sheepishly sat down but could only hold on for another station before springing up to announce that he was going to pee on the ground if not taken to the toilet immediately.

Completely annoyed, his mum threatened to give him a spank. Needless to say, all eyes were upon them by now. How can a woman be that tough on a little child?

Unable to hold on any longer, the boy suggested in Mandarin, "Mummy, you open your mouth and let me shi shi (Pee/Urine) inside".

Mum said, "don't talk nonsense, or I'll really smack you".

Boy said, "why daddy can, I cannot!!!??? "Ma,"..!!!....."

She alighted at the next stop.