10 Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren t:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you ll be getting off today?

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn t:

1. It s not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren t:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let s do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For 200 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn t:

1. Think you can get me off?

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren t:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn t:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

When Insults had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."-- Winston Churchill, in response

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."-- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."-- Billy Wilder

There are two days in every week...

There are two days in every week that we should not worry about,
two days that should be kept free, from fear and apprehension.
One is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.
We cannot undo a certain act or take back a word we've said.
Yesterday is gone.

The other day we shouldn't worry about is Tomorrow,
with its impossible adversaries, its burdens, its hopeful promise, and poor performance.
Tomorrow's sun with either rise in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,
but it will rise and until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unknown.

This leaves only one day- Today.
Any person can fight the battle for just one day.
It is only when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.
The sadness comes not from the experience of today,
but the remorse of bitterness for something which happened yesterday,
and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Yesterday was a cancelled cheque that you did not have;
Tomorrow is a promissory note, which you may not have.
Only Today is CASH!
Today is a Gift; That's why we call it The Present.
So "Seize" the Day.

Carpediem!!

What I've Learned (or Should have Learned)

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life, that counts.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.
I've learned that you should never tell a child his dreams are unlikely.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't always biological.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.
I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that no matter how fast or how far you go, you can't out run God.
I've learned that no matter how far away I've been, He'll always welcome me back.
I've learned that even if you do the right thing for the wrong reason, it's still the wrong thing to do.
I've learned that love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. And the same goes very much for true love as well.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you at all .
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean thy don't love each other. Similarly, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret, for it could change your life forever.
I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learnt that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

"...what lies before us, and what lies behind us, are small matters compared to what lies within us.
And when we bring what is within, out into the world, miracles happen."

MAXIM FOR LIFE

1.Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2.Memorize your favourite poem.
3.Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4.When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5.When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6.Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7.Believe in love at first sight.
8.Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9.Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10.In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11.Don't judge people by their relatives.
12.Talk slow but think quick.
13.When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?".
14.Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15.Call your mom.
16.Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17.When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18.Remember the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
19.Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20.When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21.Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22.Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23.Spend some time alone.
24.Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26.Read more books and watch less TV.
27.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28.Trust in God but lock your car.
29.A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30.In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31.Read between the lines.
32.Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33.Be gentle with the earth.
34.Pray-there's immeasurable power in it.
35.Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36.Mind your own business.
37.Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38.Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39.If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while youare living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40.Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41.Learn the rules then break some.
42.Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43.Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44.Remember that your character is your destiny.
45.Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

The 300

I watched this movie last weekend. Great show, great company, greater lessons.

The place: Thermopylae, Greece
The people: Leonidas vs Xerxes
The plot: Hold a narrow pass till reinforcement arrive
The pain: Betrayed by a deformed soul
The price: $7

The movie is about the greatest goal line stand of all time:
300 hundred Spartan warriors were all that stood in the path of a million-man Persian army. The Persian king, Xerxes, tried to march his guys through the tiny Spartan army which was holding a narrow pass between the ocean and sheer cliffs.

The Spartans were renowned for their incredible bravery, and ferocity, on the field of battle. Persia's million men were stopped in their tracks and couldn't advance on their way to Athens. As a true Spartan king, Leonidas led by example and remained in the front ranks with his men during the battle. The Spartans had known before the battle that it was hopeless, and basically, a suicide mission. They knew the numbers were overwhelming, but they wanted to slow the advance of the Persians just long enough for the Spartan allies to form a defense, and like true warriors, they stood shoulder-to-shoulder with their comrades, utterly willing to fight to the death. They knew their sacrifice would allow the Athenians to regroup, hopefully saving Greece.

The finale came three days later when the Spartans were betrayed by their own, who showed the Persians a secret pass around and behind the Spartans. Sandwiched between two opposing forces, they were forced into retreat against the cliffs. Even with their spears and swords broken, and their shields smashed, the Spartans fought on with even their bare hands and teeth. The Persians were so intimidated, they brought in the archers to finish the job. Since the Spartans considered the shooting of a man from a distance an act of complete cowardice, they stood their ground, knowing they hadn't adequate defense, yet defiantly facing the enemy without fear; they'd learned to transcend the fear of death and walk in total presence. The Spartans were at peace in the midst of this chaos and accepted their deaths.

In at least one way, the film is true to the ethos of ancient Greece: It conflates moral excellence and physical beauty (which, in this movie, means being young, white, male, and fresh from the gyms). Here are just a few of the categories that are not-so-vaguely conflated with the "bad" (i.e., Persian) side in the movie: black people. Brown people. Disfigured people. Gay men (not gay in the buff, homoerotic Spartan fashion, but in the effeminate Persian style). Lesbians. Disfigured lesbians. Ten-foot-tall giants with filed teeth and lobster claws. Elephants and rhinos. The Persian commander, the god-king Xerxes is a towering, bald club fag with facial piercings, kohl-rimmed eyes, and a disturbing predilection for making people kneel before him.

Meanwhile, the Spartans, clad in naught but leather man-briefs, fight under the stern command of Leonidas, whose warrior ethic was forged during a childhood spent fighting wolves in the snow. Leonidas likes to rally the troops with bellowed speeches about "freedom," "honor," and "glory," promising that they will be remembered for having created "a world free from mysticism and tyranny."

Another of the Spartans' less-than-glorious customs is the practice of eugenics, hurling any less-than-perfect infant off a cliff onto a huge pile of baby skeletons. Unfortunately for the 300 at Thermopylae, this system of racial cleansing isn't foolproof: One deformed hunchback, Ephialtes, manages to make it to adulthood and begs Leonidas for a chance to serve Sparta in the 300. Sure enough, when he's turned down, the hunchback confirms his moral weakness by accepting Xerxes' offer to join ranks with the Persians.

Meanwhile, back home in Sparta, Leonidas' wife, Gorgo, engages in some plot-padding political intrigue with the evil Theron. Theron wants to persuade the Spartan council not to send reinforcements to the desperately outnumbered 300. The noble and sexy Gorgo finally gives herself to Theron in exchange for a chance to persuade the council.

7 Key lessons learned in this movie:

1. Steadfastness in the face of odds. There was this spirit of determination, a courage to resist an overwhelming situation. They displayed such spirit which refuse to surrender. They encouraged us to hold our ground against impossible odds.

2. Strength are available when we fight as a unit/ team. According to history, the Spartans developed a technique known as the "phalanx", a wall of overlapping shields and layered spearpoints spanning the entire defense line that proved unbeatable against as advancing foe.

3. Ancient combat are fought with hands; modern ones are fought with head and heart. There was a scene when King Leonidas coached his son on the art of combat, ending with these words, "You fight with your head", followed by his mother who added, "then with your heart". How true, when physical and visible strength and techniques expire, we must draw the ultimate power from within, the heart -our seat of passion and guts.

4. Keeping morale high is vital for survival. Discouragement and fault-finding is poisonous. Morale is contagious, whether high or low.

5. Training and discipline is essential in order to fight the good fight in life. The Spartans were drilled to slay the enemies like a well-oiled machine. This same fighting tactics are still been studied till this day in modern warfare. Mental training and continuous learning is vital for keeping "in shape" for life challenges.

6. Learn to master your fear, whatever it may be. Fear cripples and paralyses your performance, render you ineffective to complete the task at hand. Master them, or they master you.

7. Stay out of politics. It is a dirty game. You will inevitably and eventually get screwed (like the queen).

My best line: "See...I brought more men than you".

My Conclusion:

I will serve out my life purpose and mission with unwavering dedication and steadfastness, to and for those that count on me for love and protection;
to and for the child that aspire one day to be just like me.

I will find and define clearly my "Thermopylae", and guard it at all cost.

I will discipline myself to be physically and mentally fit and firm.

I will remember to fight with my heart, to excel through passion and purpose.

I will choose to be positive and energising to those around me, to be an oasis of motivation and a pillar of strength for my fellow friends.

I WILL!!!

The World's Greatest Discovery

You can do as much as you think you can,
But you'll never accomplish more;
If you're afraid of yourself, young man,
There's little for you in store.
For failure comes from the inside first,
It's there if we only knew it,
And you can win, though you face the worst,
If you feel that you're going to do it.

- Edgar A. Guest