Steven Wright Humor 2

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright Humor 1

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Nothing is Impossible!

Throw back the shoulders, let the heart sing, let the eyes flash, let the mind be lifted up, look upward and say to yourself... nothing is impossible!
- Norman Vincent Peale

The Gift

This one I laugh until "peng". Here we go...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accomanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."
"I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Meet this Giant!

Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936) cannot be summed up in one sentence. Nor in one paragraph. In fact, in spite of the fine biographies that have been written of him, he has never been captured between the covers of one book.
But rather than waiting to separate the goats from the sheep, let’s just come right out and say it - G.K. Chesterton was the best writer of the 20th century. He said something about everything and he said it better than anybody else. But he was no mere wordsmith. He was very good at expressing himself, but more importantly, he had something very good to express.
I think the reason he was the greatest writer of the 20th century was because he was also the greatest thinker of the 20th century. He was also one of the greatest defenders of the Christian faith in Christian language. Following is one of his famous poems regarding the crucifixion.

When fishes flew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn,
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born;
With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings,
The devil's walking parody
On all four-footed things.
The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will;
Starve, scourge, deride me:
I am dumb, I keep my secret still.
Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet:
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.

Love Letter

My Dear Wife,

I have so much to tell you. Especially you have been away for so long.

I know I'm not always the best at putting deeply felt things into words, but I want you to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and how important our marriage is.

I choose to write here because it explains and exposes a lot of the things I think and feel when it comes to us, and our 13 years relationship. I hope that as you read this, you will know that these words reflect my heart and my love for you.

I long to see us come together again; I long to see us getting closer. I want to learn and get better at sharing my feelings and listening to yours. I want our marriage and friendship to get stronger and our love to become a rock-solid foundation, supporting a marriage that will last and last. I want our marriage to be a platform for intimacy and open, honest sharing.

Because I love you,

Your Husband

The Weaver

At this ugly side of eternity, we often miss the perfect plan of the Grand Architect of Life. We see the mess, whereas He sees the best. I don't have all the answers, but I do know who holds the thread & needle. I just have to let Him finish with me and let Him write the last chapter in and for my life. Here's one poem that I'll like to share (I don't have the author's name, sorry).

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper,
But I, the underside

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the fabric
And reveal the reason why

The dark threads were as needful
In the skillful Weaver’s hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

So, until my time for leaving
On His promises I’ll stand
And trust the One Who’s weaving
With loving, skillful hand

And though this life may tempt me
To turn aside my way
I’ll fix my gaze upon Him
As He weaveth each new day.