King of the Birds, Lord of the Skies
Gather ye rose buds while ye may, old time is still a flying;
and this same rose that you see today, tomorrow will be dying.
CarpeDiem: Seize the Day!
- Dead Poets Society
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Day I Farted
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol.
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot.
So they throw out a rifle.
"More!" he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying.
They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically.
They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot.
So they throw out a rifle.
"More!" he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying.
They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically.
They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"
The Fourth Child...
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Why Engineers Make Good Husbands
Attention Women! Why you should choose an engineer vs. other professions.
And why all men (who wants to be married) out there should want to be an engineer.
1. Doctor:
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely, he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
2. Lawyer:
a) You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly.
b) An additional drawback is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
3. Sales:
See honesty (a), under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to tradeshows,etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your engineer works at will keep him in a cage,often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
4. Hazardous professions, such as Police Officer, Construction Worker, etc:
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will like be crippled with a back injury, etc just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your engineer will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older,since he will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will be the only way he can see you. Also, when some beautiful girl walks by, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
5. Teacher:
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
6. Priest, Pastors, Church Workers:
See Teacher, substitute boy for girl.
Disclaimer:
1. The blogger shall be be held responsible for any female readers' choice of mate.
2. No engineers had paid me a cent thus far to write this.
3. There are other defects & side-effects of getting an engineer for a husband not mentioned here.
4. If your engineer husband changes job, good luck!
And why all men (who wants to be married) out there should want to be an engineer.
1. Doctor:
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely, he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
2. Lawyer:
a) You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly.
b) An additional drawback is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
3. Sales:
See honesty (a), under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to tradeshows,etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your engineer works at will keep him in a cage,often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
4. Hazardous professions, such as Police Officer, Construction Worker, etc:
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will like be crippled with a back injury, etc just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your engineer will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older,since he will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will be the only way he can see you. Also, when some beautiful girl walks by, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
5. Teacher:
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
6. Priest, Pastors, Church Workers:
See Teacher, substitute boy for girl.
Disclaimer:
1. The blogger shall be be held responsible for any female readers' choice of mate.
2. No engineers had paid me a cent thus far to write this.
3. There are other defects & side-effects of getting an engineer for a husband not mentioned here.
4. If your engineer husband changes job, good luck!
Funny T-Shirt Spotted Part II
21. "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me!"
22. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
23. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
24. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
25. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
26. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
27. "Don't ask me about my day."
28. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
29. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
30. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
31. "Save the trees. Wipe your arse with an owl."
32. SNIPER: No Need To Run...You'll Only Die Tired.
33. Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body
34. My parents told me I could be anything, so I became an ARSE-HOLE!
35. If at first you don't succeed, get someone else to do it.
36. Cereal Killer
37. Just be glad I'm not your kid.
38. Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested.
39. My mom can beat up your dad.
40. Sorry I missed church. I was performing a human sacrifice.
41. Caution: Explicit Fu*king Lyrics.
42. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
43. Love my country - Fear my government
44. Practice safe sex. Go fu*k yourself!
45. Just another shi*ty day in paradise.
22. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
23. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
24. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
25. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
26. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
27. "Don't ask me about my day."
28. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
29. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
30. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
31. "Save the trees. Wipe your arse with an owl."
32. SNIPER: No Need To Run...You'll Only Die Tired.
33. Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body
34. My parents told me I could be anything, so I became an ARSE-HOLE!
35. If at first you don't succeed, get someone else to do it.
36. Cereal Killer
37. Just be glad I'm not your kid.
38. Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested.
39. My mom can beat up your dad.
40. Sorry I missed church. I was performing a human sacrifice.
41. Caution: Explicit Fu*king Lyrics.
42. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
43. Love my country - Fear my government
44. Practice safe sex. Go fu*k yourself!
45. Just another shi*ty day in paradise.
Learn the 5 Language of Apology Part III
Learn the third language: Making restitution.
This says, “What can I do to make it right?” When you speak this language, you try to right a wrong by making amends for what you’ve done. Realize that any offenses causes the person who’s been hurt to lose something – perhaps something tangible, such as a promotion after being publicly humiliated, or something intangible, such as self-esteem. Make it your goal to try to repay the person you’ve offended to restore a sense of justice and let him or her know that you still care.
When apologizing to a friend or family member, try to express the sincerity of your love in ways that reflect that particular person’s love language: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch. Beyond expressing your love, do whatever you can to restore something your wrong behavior took away, such as by repairing a damaged item or speaking to others to restore the person’s reputation. If you’re not sure what the offended person might consider appropriate restitution, ask for suggestions.
Adapted from:
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships
by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, 2006
This says, “What can I do to make it right?” When you speak this language, you try to right a wrong by making amends for what you’ve done. Realize that any offenses causes the person who’s been hurt to lose something – perhaps something tangible, such as a promotion after being publicly humiliated, or something intangible, such as self-esteem. Make it your goal to try to repay the person you’ve offended to restore a sense of justice and let him or her know that you still care.
When apologizing to a friend or family member, try to express the sincerity of your love in ways that reflect that particular person’s love language: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch. Beyond expressing your love, do whatever you can to restore something your wrong behavior took away, such as by repairing a damaged item or speaking to others to restore the person’s reputation. If you’re not sure what the offended person might consider appropriate restitution, ask for suggestions.
Adapted from:
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships
by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, 2006
Failure in the High Office
“Something’s gone wrong in the heartland. How are we to explain this rapid erosion of standards? How do we rationalize the breakdown of families, neighborhood on edge, street no longer safe…what has happened? With all my heart, I believe we can trace this disaster to failure in high office.
Yes, I am referring to the highest office in the land; and no, I do not mean the presidency of the country. Nor the presidency of any international conglomerate. Nor the chairman of the board. I believe the greatest position a man can hold is his office as head of the home. A man’s greatest title is not “Dr. So and So” or “Professor” or “General” or “Mr Vice President” or “Reverend”. The highest office in the land is not in the White House. It’s in your home.
In God’s economy, a man will never get any higher, never have any greater influence, never wield any greater power than he does as the head of his own home. To fail at home is to have failed everywhere.”
- Stu Weber (from The Four Pillars of a Man's Heart)
Yes, I am referring to the highest office in the land; and no, I do not mean the presidency of the country. Nor the presidency of any international conglomerate. Nor the chairman of the board. I believe the greatest position a man can hold is his office as head of the home. A man’s greatest title is not “Dr. So and So” or “Professor” or “General” or “Mr Vice President” or “Reverend”. The highest office in the land is not in the White House. It’s in your home.
In God’s economy, a man will never get any higher, never have any greater influence, never wield any greater power than he does as the head of his own home. To fail at home is to have failed everywhere.”
- Stu Weber (from The Four Pillars of a Man's Heart)
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