The Last Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man at the table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

Marks of Good Breeding

Stillness of person and steadiness of features are signal marks of good breeding.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

Twelve...

Tom was starting he's first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there's one old man keep walking round and round a well saying twelve, twelve, twelve.

So out of curiosity he walk forward and ask the old man, how come he keep counting twelve.

The old man point his finger in the well. So as Tom was bending down and look into the well. The old man give Tom a mighty hard kick and Tom fell into the well.

And the old man continue walking round and round the well saying thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen...

The Devil's Walk

From his brimstone bed, at break of day,
A walking the Devil is gone,
To look at his little snug farm of the world,
And see how his stock went on.

Robert Southey & Samuel T. Coleridge,
The Devil's Walk

Competition is Good

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

The Paradoxical Commandments

The Paradoxical Commandments
(by Dr. Kent M. Keith)

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.


© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968, renewed 2001

Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."