Coach Carter

I tell our kids all the time:
"If you get one percent better a day, within 100 days you'll be 100 percent better."
it's just a real simple philosophy.

"AVERAGE is just not good enough. Period!"

-Coach Ken Carter,
Richmond High Basketball Coach and Mentor
Motivation Speaker

Don't miss the movie 'Coach Carter' acted by Samuel L. Jackson (based on his real life story).

Eleanor Arroway Testifies About Her Experience

Arroway:

"I had an experience .... I can't prove... I can't even explain it.

But everything that I know as a human being, everything I am tells me that it was real. I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever.

A vision of the universe, that tell us undeniably how tiny and insignificant and how rare and precious we all are. A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, that we are not, that none of us are alone. I wish.. I could share that.. I wish that everyone if even for one moment could feel that awe and humility and hope. But -- that continues to be my wish...."

(From: Jodie Foster, in the movie - Contact, 1997)

Money Rules to Live By VII

The role risk plays
Every human endeavor carries some risk, and investments are no exception. What differs is the amount and type of risk and how you're compensated for taking it.
The 30-day Government Treasury bill, for example, is one of the "safest" investments around if you're solely concerned with getting back your original investment. The T-bill is backed by the full faith and credit of the government. But the average return on a 30-day T-bill over the past years is just 3.34%. That's just above the historical 3% inflation rate for the same period; if you factor in taxes, you probably lost money! Don't forget: GST is gearing up to 7% soon!!
Large-company stocks, by contrast, returned an average 10.4% annually during the same period. That handily beats inflation, but as everyone who has invested in the past decade knows, stocks aren't a sure thing. There were plenty of years along the way that the market for large-company stocks dived, and if you invested all your money in a single stock -- say, Enron -- you could be wiped out. That's called market risk.
Here's what you should take away: You'll almost certainly need to take some market risk if you want to grow your wealth and beat inflation over time. But you should also be wary of anyone who "guarantees" a high return on an investment. If you're earning much more than the going rate on a T-bill, you're taking some risk, and you should understand that risk before proceeding.

Ask the Convict

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken in to his house the night before.
"You will get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"NO, no, no!", said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Love Letter

My Dear Wife,

I remember the day, my love, when we repeated our wedding vows. I was quite nervous, my palms were sweaty, and I longed for the whole thing to hurry up and end. But at the same time, I wanted it to go on forever. You were so beautiful, my bride. I still remember the sparkle in your eyes as you walked down the aisle towards me. On that day, I promised, before God and the whole world, to love and to cherish you for the rest of your days.

I still stand by that promise, maybe even more now than I did then, for now I better understand the significance of such a vow. Here and now, I promise you that I will be committed to our marriage for the rest of my life.

Because I Love You,

Your Husband.

Prof John Nash 1994 Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences Acceptance Address

Nash:

"Thank you.

I've always believed in numbers and the equations and logics that lead to reason. But after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask,
"What truly is logic?"
"Who decides reason?"

My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional -- and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life:

It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.
I'm only here tonight because of you [his wife, Alicia].
You are the reason I am.
You are all my reasons.
Thank you".

(From: A Beautiful Mind, 2002)

My favourite lines are in red. I was moved to tears everytime I hear this speech.

Today's Devotion

Proverbs 29:1-11, The Bible
Verse 1: A man who hardens his neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.
Verse 11: A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.

I admit I have always had an issue with the display of anger. I am angry, angry with stupid system, angry with stupid people, angry with that stupid taxi driver that cuts in with no warning, angry with that stupid moron who share his shit and smoke in the toilet cubicle. Man...I really have a problem! Someone please kill me now!

My anger has cost me my marriage, my family, my wife, my son, my future...if I allow it to rob me further.
No, I intend to do something about it - today. I will start to deal with it again - now. Like verse 1, I have hardened my neck after much reproof. I have been discouraged and dismayed over my failure to overcome this handicap call anger. But I know deep within that I am not broken beyond remedy. God is not finished with me yet. The Great Weaver still needs me on the easel. The Principal of the School of Hard Knocks still needs my class attendance and projects. I know I am not done because He is not done.

So, Mr Anger, watch out! I am coming back! Round two won't be a walk-over for you now.
I will put up a defense against your on-slaught, in order to protect all that which is dear to me - my wife, my son, my gifts, my ministry, my calling, my vocation, my destiny! Watch your goal post!!

I also notice that the Word of God did not say, "...but a wise man did not have or will not have - anger". The Word says he holds it back, despite having the anger. I realised that being angry is a very real thing, but staying angry is optional. I will find ways to do that.

Okay, enough of holy holy.

Succeed like a Champion

I've missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot...and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
- Michael Jordan
Professional Basketball Player

To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you're not, pretend you are.
- Muhammad Ali
World Champion Boxer

Change the World

Consciously or unconsciously, every one of us does render some service or other. If we cultivate the habit of doing this service deliberately, our desire for service will steadily grow stronger, and will make, not only our own happiness, but that of the world at large.
- Mahatma Gandhi
1869-1948, Indian Political and Spiritual Leader

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
- Leo Tolstoy, Russian Writer

The world cares very little about what a man or woman knows; it is what the man or woman is able to do that counts.
-Booker T. Washington
1856-1915, Educator and Reformer

Face Your Fear

When you face your fear, most of the time you will discover that it was not really such a big threat after all. We all need some form of deeply rooted, powerful motivation - it empowers us to overcome obstacles so we can live our dreams.
- Les Brown

Never Quit

Whenever you make a mistake or get knocked down by life, don't look back at it too long. Mistakes are life's way of teaching you. Your capacity for occasional blunders is inseparable from your capacity to reach your goals. No one wins them all, and your failures, when they happen, are just part of your growth.
Shake off your blunders. How will you know your limits without an occasional failure?
Never quit. Your turn will come.

Og Mandino
1923-1996,
From "A Better Way to Live"

Thoughts

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
- Jean Rostand

Killing makes you a ...

Kill a man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conquerer. Kill everyone, and you are a god!
- Jean Rostand

What Men would Do if they had a Vagina for a Day - R(A)

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Guys, please don't try 6,7, 8 & 9 at home - your mom or wife might get freak-out!!!

Gender Difference

At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote :
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote : 'I love sex.'

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Money Rules to Live By VI

Throw no good money after bad
"Sunk costs" are expenses that have already been incurred and can't be recovered to any appreciable extent. "Sunk cost fallacy" means an irrational belief that a further investment of time, money or effort will somehow resurrect the value that's already disappeared.

A classic example is the investor whose stock has plunged because the prospects of the company have worsened. The investor wouldn't buy the same stock today, yet continues to hang on to the shares rather than sell them and take the loss. The investor may offer the excuse that he or she wants to at least "break even" before selling, but of course the stock market doesn't care about the investor getting the money back, and all the wishing in the world won't bring the stock price back up.
By hanging on to the shares, the investor is giving up the opportunity to invest elsewhere at a profit -- an opportunity cost.
Remember: Sometimes it is better to flee and hide, so that another day you may come back and fight.

Money Rules to Live By V

Why supply and demand rule
For the most part, prices are set by the interaction between supply and demand. If demand for something suddenly shoots up and the available supply of that something doesn't change, then prices will increase. If demand drops or supply increases, though, prices typically fall.
Here's an example. Say rock star Brittany Amber Tiffany is photographed wearing a cap with the brand name of a Health Care company. Suddenly, all her fans and half the people reading local magazine decide they, too, need the Health Care company's hat. The companies that stock these hats figure out a good thing when they see it, and double, then triple, the price. The hat actually worn by Brittany sells for a mint on eBay, earning a notice in mainstream newspapers and furthering the craze.
The Health Care company wants a piece of this action and starts cranking out hats by the ton. Suddenly you can find one in every Cold Storage and Robinson. The retailers can no longer command a premium for having a rare item (thanks to the increase in supply). In fact, the hats start seeming a heck of a lot less cool, lowering demand; Cold Storage and Robinson slash the price still further to get rid of their unwanted supply.
Only a big increase in supply or a sustained decline in demand is likely to affect prices.
Supply and demand have a lot to do with our incomes, as well. If we have rare skills that are in high demand by employers, we can negotiate higher pay. If, on the other hand, there are a lot of people that can do what we do or the employer need for what we do is limited, our incomes are likely to be stunted. Think about that, and stay relevant or risk losing your rice bowl.

Money Rules to Live By IV

Every money decision has a cost of its own
"Opportunity cost," very simply, means what we give up in order to get something else. In every choice, there's an opportunity cost. If you decide to go to university, for example, you're giving up the income you could have earned by working full-time during those years plus whatever you could have purchased with the money used to attend school. You also may take on loans to pay for school, which will have to be paid back with future income that could have gone for other purposes.
The good news, of course, is that even with opportunity costs, university is a slam-dunk for most people. Statistically, the average graduate makes 70% more over his or her lifetime than someone who stops with a "A-level" Certificate or Diploma.
If, however, you train for a career that has little demand and wind up making the same amount as a Diploma holder, or trailing huge amounts of student loan debt you can never repay, you may regret the money spent on school and the foregone income.
Understanding that our choices have opportunity costs, and examining what those costs are, should help us make better economic decisions.

Love Letter

My Dear Wife,

My love for you is endless. I know I don't always show it as I used to, and I admit that often I get distracted with the demands of life and lately, derailed by the pressures of work. But I want you to know that my love for you is here to stay - yes, it's going to go the distance. I am committed to you, and I'm committed to our marriage and family. I plan to love you for all of my days.

I'm aware that things don't always go smoothly in our marriage and that we have our ups and downs, but through it all, one thing will never change - my love for you. I know it will go on and on. And I know that it will continue to increase and strengthen over time. My love for you is forever.

Because I love you,

Your Husband

心甘情愿

I finally got to sing this song last night :)

歌手：光良 专辑：光芒

作词: 姚若龙 作曲: 潘协庆 编曲: 王豫民

你心里有段未完成的爱恋
听说那种遗憾最魂萦梦牵
当你决定要陪在我身边
老实说我的快乐并不完全

其实我并不常梦想得太远
付出当时也总是不知不觉
可以帮你实现一点心愿
有阳光好象搭着我的肩

爱就是一份心甘情愿
不在乎情路风霜雨雪
抱一抱就抵过万语千言
手牵手就敢去海角天边

爱就是一份心甘情愿
不计较是否情深缘浅
越曲折会留下越多纪念
闭上眼还够我们回味数十年

如果说每个人一辈子
都有机会见幸福一次
不要别人要你教我
认识幸福是一首多美多难的诗

Money Rules to Live By III

The Pointlessness of the Hedonic Treadmill
No, this isn't the latest workout device at your gym. The hedonic treadmill means that we quickly adjust to improved circumstances. A raise at work or a new possession may make us happy for a little while, but we soon take our situation for granted. Our expectations continue to rise: if only I could get another raise, or a better car, or a bigger house. Should those expectations be satisfied, again we'd adjust and quickly want more. Ours is a generation that spend too fast and commit to much. On the contrary, I have a friend who, despite being very successful, refused to upgrade to a BMW or a Merc recently. He could if he wanted to. When I asked him lately why he changed his 5 year-old 1600 cc Nissan Sunny for a 2000 cc Honda Accord instead of a Lexus or Beemer, his reply was, "I want to upgrade slowly; I want to feel the joy of improvement, but slowly". I know eventually I will get to see his Lexus or BMW one day, but I am sure he is pacing his commitment well. May his tribe prevails!
This has a lot of implications for personal finance and the economy, but here's something to consider: Maybe we need to look beyond our wallets for true happiness. Like my friend, feel the gradual improvement; display delayed gratification instead of jumping into instant consumption, turbo-charged!
That's it for now. 3 more rules tomorrow, so watch this space.

Money Rules to Live By II

Scarcity makes your choices for you
It's lovely to believe in a world of endless abundance, but the reality is that at any given point in time our resources have limits. Whether it's oil in the ground, our time here on Earth or the cash in our pockets, there's only so much available to be spent.
People who ignore this reality are the ones who run out of paycheck before they run out of month, or who extend their unsustainable spending by relying on credit cards, home equity loans and other reckless borrowing. Their refusal to make the sometimes-hard choices needed to responsibly manage money means that they will have even fewer choices in the future. The money they spend on stuff and on interest can't be invested in other goals, like retirement, so odds are pretty good they'll wind up old and broke.
Recognise and respect this reality. They help define perimeter for spending. It's a friend, not foe.

Money Rules to Live By I

Recognise the difference between needs and wants
Our actual needs are pretty limited: food, shelter, clothing, companionship. Just about everything else is a "want," and our wants are essentially endless. Because our resources are limited, we have to make choices about which wants to fulfill.
Also, the way we fulfill our needs involves a lot of choice. Shelter, for example, can be a simple 3-room apartment or a $1 million condominium. Our food choices offer a similar range, from rice and ice water consumed at home to steak and Dom Perignon at an exclusive restaurant.
Interestingly, I've discovered many people believe they have to spend money in certain ways or in certain amounts, when in reality their spending is a choice - or is at least based on choices they made earlier. If you're facing a monster mortgage payment, for example, it's because you chose to buy that home and selected that particular mortgage.
Taking responsibility for our choices can be scary, but it should also be empowering. After all, if you have choices, you're not just a victim of circumstance.

Steven Wright Humor 3

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Steven Wright Humor 2

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright Humor 1

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Nothing is Impossible!

Throw back the shoulders, let the heart sing, let the eyes flash, let the mind be lifted up, look upward and say to yourself... nothing is impossible!
- Norman Vincent Peale

The Gift

This one I laugh until "peng". Here we go...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accomanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."
"I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Meet this Giant!

Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936) cannot be summed up in one sentence. Nor in one paragraph. In fact, in spite of the fine biographies that have been written of him, he has never been captured between the covers of one book.
But rather than waiting to separate the goats from the sheep, let’s just come right out and say it - G.K. Chesterton was the best writer of the 20th century. He said something about everything and he said it better than anybody else. But he was no mere wordsmith. He was very good at expressing himself, but more importantly, he had something very good to express.
I think the reason he was the greatest writer of the 20th century was because he was also the greatest thinker of the 20th century. He was also one of the greatest defenders of the Christian faith in Christian language. Following is one of his famous poems regarding the crucifixion.

When fishes flew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn,
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born;
With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings,
The devil's walking parody
On all four-footed things.
The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will;
Starve, scourge, deride me:
I am dumb, I keep my secret still.
Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet:
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.

Love Letter

My Dear Wife,

I have so much to tell you. Especially you have been away for so long.

I know I'm not always the best at putting deeply felt things into words, but I want you to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and how important our marriage is.

I choose to write here because it explains and exposes a lot of the things I think and feel when it comes to us, and our 13 years relationship. I hope that as you read this, you will know that these words reflect my heart and my love for you.

I long to see us come together again; I long to see us getting closer. I want to learn and get better at sharing my feelings and listening to yours. I want our marriage and friendship to get stronger and our love to become a rock-solid foundation, supporting a marriage that will last and last. I want our marriage to be a platform for intimacy and open, honest sharing.

Because I love you,

Your Husband

The Weaver

At this ugly side of eternity, we often miss the perfect plan of the Grand Architect of Life. We see the mess, whereas He sees the best. I don't have all the answers, but I do know who holds the thread & needle. I just have to let Him finish with me and let Him write the last chapter in and for my life. Here's one poem that I'll like to share (I don't have the author's name, sorry).

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper,
But I, the underside

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the fabric
And reveal the reason why

The dark threads were as needful
In the skillful Weaver’s hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

So, until my time for leaving
On His promises I’ll stand
And trust the One Who’s weaving
With loving, skillful hand

And though this life may tempt me
To turn aside my way
I’ll fix my gaze upon Him
As He weaveth each new day.

Married for 2 weeks...

Simon and Mel had only been married for two weeks. Simon, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to Mel, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Mel.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
Mel said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
Simon didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Mel interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
Simon, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

Love our Enemies

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies;
probably because they are generally the same people.
- G. K. Chesterton

The Essence of Lying

The essence of lying is in deception, not in words; a lie may be told in silence, by equivocation, by the accent on a syllable, by a glance of the eye attaching a peculiar significance to a sentence; but all of these kinds of lies are worse and baser by many degrees than a lie plainly worded.
- John Ruskin,
(in Modern Painters)

The Perfect Marriage

The perfect marriage begins when each partner believes they got better than they deserved.
- Author Unknown

The Person You Marry

You don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you.
-Richard Needham

Mark Twain Selections

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”
“By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.”
“Nothing needs reforming as other people’s habits.”
“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
“We despise all reverences and all the objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.”

What's wrong with the World?

Years ago the London Times ran an article asking the question, "What is wrong with the world?" It encouraged readers to respond. I am sure the editor must have read the following reply more than once before its profound truth sank in.

Dear Sir, In response to your question, "What is wrong with the world?"

I am.

Yours Truly,
G. K. Chesterton.

Why EagleBoy?

Some wondered why I choose my Blog Name as "EagleBoy"? Read on and you will find the answer.

The eagle is a wonderful and magnificant creation of God. It is the most majestic of all birds and is mentioned many times in the Bible. In fact, the eagle is mentioned 38 times, much more than the dove or other birds.
An eagle is around 90 cm tall and reaches over 2m between the wings.
She builds her nest on the cliff or in a high tree. The nest is so large that a human can sleep in it.
It can weigh 700kg and is also comfortable.
We shall see what the king of birds can show us concerning truths about God, and also about Life. Here are 6 lessons we can learn from this great bird:

Lesson 1: All Baby Eagles Must Learn To Fly
High in the mountains, a baby eagle is born. Like all other babies, there are two things that baby eagles, known as eaglets, love to do: eat and sleep. The baby eagle would spend its initial life in the comfort of the nest. Everyday, mama eagle would find food and drop it directly into the open mouths of the hungry eaglet. With a satisfied stomach, the eaglet then goes to sleep and the cycle continues when it becomes hungry again. This goes on for a few weeks, until one day, mama eagle would just hover over the nest. This time, there is no food. After hovering a few rounds, mama eagle would make a dive into the nest and begins to shake it violently. She then takes one of her babies in her mouth and starts soaring into the skies. The baby eaglet begins to tremble, "Mama is mad! Mama is mad!" Suddenly, she drops the baby eaglet who starts to struggle.
Just before the eaglet smashes against the rocks, mama eagle would sweep down and pick it up. This goes on for about five to eight times. The eaglet starts to wonder why mama is doing this. Every time it is being dropped from the sky, the eaglet would struggle by flapping its wings. "Mama can fly. I want to fly like her too!", the eaglet says to itself. What beautiful picture! Mama is teaching her young to fly. At about the fourteenth to fifteenth try, the eaglet begins to fly.
LEARN TO SPREAD YOUR WINGS!

Lesson 2: Eagles Are Made For The High Places
Unlike other birds that fly in the lowlands, eagles are made to fly in the high places, out of sight of the naked human eye and out of range of the hunter's rifle. God made us to fly in the high places, free from the world's control. A tourist to the Jurong Bird Park once commented that the eagles there looked very clean. In reply, the bird-keeper said: "When eagles are in freedom, they are the cleanest birds. But when they are in captivity, they are the dirtiest."
LEARN TO FLY HIGH AND OVERCOME WEAKNESSES!

Lesson 3: Eagles Do Not Fly, They Soar
Eagles do not fly like other birds, flapping their wings profusely and using their own strength. Instead, eagles SOAR majestically, making use of the wind current s to gain height. What makes the eagle so special is that she sits on the rock and reads the wind and when the time is perfect she takes off and soars upward with her great wings. There is a special up going wind where the eagle rides the wind and circle higher and higher toward the sky, without effort. She just spreads her wings.
LEARN TO WAIT PATIENTLY AND SEIZE COMING OPPORTUNITY!

Lesson 4: Eagles Go Through Specific Periods Of Renewal
When they are about 60 years old (half-time for eagles), eagles go through a period of renewal.
An eagle would find a secret place up in the mountains. It would start to claw at its face and tear out the feathers that have been damaged over the years. It would smash it bill against the rock to crack it, and scratch it telons against hard surfaces to break them. As a result, it would bleed badly. This is one of the most vulnerable time of its life. It looks pathetic for a King of Birds. It is heartbreaking to see such a beautiful, majestic bird so ugly. The eagle would then wait patiently for the rays of the sun to heal it. Over time, new and stronger bill and telons grow. Fresh set of feathers resurface with granduer. Through this, the eagle renews its strength by getting rid of the unnecessary things otherwise it would not be able to live till 120 years that it normally does.
LEARN TO RID OURSELVES OF UNFRUITFUL ENTANGLEMENTS AND BE RENEWED!

Lesson 5: Eagles Get Sick, Just Like Humans
When an eagle gets sick, it does not go to the doctor. It simply finds a favourite spot in the mountains and await the rays of the sun to heal it. The sun plays a major role in the life of an eagle and as such, is a major source of healing too.
LEARN HOW TO REJUVENATE AND RECOVER THRU SOURCES OF STRENGTH YOU CAN FIND!

Lesson 6: Every Eagle Has To Die
When an eagle is about to die, it will fly to its favourite spot in the mountains, wraps its wings round itself, looks at the sun's rays and dies.
LEARN HOW TO END WITH DIGNITY AND LEAVE A LEGACY!

Hope these principles encouraged and strengthened your hearts. God bless!

The Circle of Life

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your firstday.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, you're carefree And you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday.
And finally you finish off as an orgasm.

Ugly Woman

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

Guys' FAQ - R(A)

Q: What Are The Small Bumps Around A Woman's Nipples For?
A: Its Braille For "Suck Here".

Q: Why Did God Give Men Penises?
A: So They'd Have At Least One Way To Shut A Woman Up.

Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
A: It Is The Same As A French Kiss, But Only Down Under.

Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
A: Melt Them Down, Make A Tire, And Call It A Goodyear.

Q: Why Can't You Trust A Woman?
A: How Can You Trust Something That Bleeds For Five Days And Doesn't Die?

Q: Why Are Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
A: When They Come They're Wild And Wet, But When They Go They Take Your House And Car With Them.

Q: What's The Speed Limit Of Sex?
A: 68; At 69 You Have To Turn Around.

Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
A: They Don't Have Balls To Scratch.

My Love for You

My love for you is as cool as the ocean
As we walked through the waves with love and devotion
My love for you is not as complex
It’s not just your looks or the great sex
It’s your personality that shines to me
Being with you shows what love can be
I look at the picture that you sent me
Knowing your waiting makes me happy
All the times we’ve spent together
I just hope the good times can last forever
I never want anyone to tear us apart
A piece of you will always be in my heart.

If Love ask a Question...

If love asks a question, do not deceive
For the truth is the answer, I only believe
If my heart should open, love do not fear
Or if my eyes in happiness shed a tear
Let the wind in my soul blow you away
And the sun in my heart brighten your day
If love and life I was asked to compare
Both of these with you I wish to share

Mitch Hedberg's Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

Paul Valery's Quotes

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Two dangers constantly threaten the world: order and disorder.

- Paul Valery

How to make Dreams come true?

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
- Paul Valery

What Politics really is.

Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them.
- Paul Valery

Sound Mind, Anyone?

A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Love is being stupid together.

- Paul Valery

You must be in Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

No Teeth!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady," why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
T he old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Sick humor

1. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
2. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
3. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
4. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
5. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
7. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Achievement flows out of BEING.

"You don’t get in life what you want. You get what you are."
- Les Brown

I love this man. He is the one that showed me back in 1999 that what you can achieved comes from within, not from without. So ask yourself: "Who are you?"
Better still, ask yourself, "What stuff are you made of?"

Years ago, when I was serving in SYFC, someone told me that "Effective ministry flows out of being". You need to be before you can do. Years later, I would certainly agreed no less, but extended this belief to other areas of my life. Remember, achievement flows out of being too.

A New Set of Key

"When you get to work in the morning, is it where you want to be?
And when you go home at night, is that where you feel good and safe?"

Being able to answer yes to both questions is the key to happiness, success and wealth.
- Connie Podesta

Aim and Hit, but aim Higher, please!

People don't fail because they aim too high and miss, but because they aim too low and hit.
– Les Brown

Still remember zero-ing your M-16 semi-auto rifle during live-firing in army? If you still can't get your rifle zeroed on the third try, you need to "aim-off". A technique that most soldier carried out if he knows where his shot will land despite squaring his foresight tip against the target. You aim a bit higher so that your round will land on the 'canadian bull'.

I think in life, calibrating your goals higher is vital.
What I mean is stop playing it safe and start creating what's truly possible in life by stretching yourself, taking risks and surrounding yourself with positive, nourishing people.
Raise the bar and commit to higher goals.
Recognize negative people and detoxify them from your life.
Challenge yourself and put your fear of failure to rest.
Stay hungry and make "no" your daily vitamin (motivation).

Yes, people don't fail because they aim too high and miss, but because they aim too low and hit.
So, let's follow the Eagleboy's philosophy:

Aim High, Soaring!
Aim Low, Boring!!

If at first you don't succeed...

Feeling rejected? Despondent? Bummed?
Bummed even further because you don’t know the exact definition of despondent? It means downhearted. Not to worry. You are not alone. The universe makes a mockery of all of us at some point in our lives.
This is a world of ebb and flow.
Although it sometimes feels more like ebbebbebbflowebbebbebbflow....

Today I’ve got some cheery, uplifting stories of people who made it through bad times, and came out the other side a humongous success.

So…IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, JOIN THIS VERY COOL CLUB:

Theodore Roosevelt ran in 1886 as Republican candidate for mayor of NYC – and lost.
Walt Disney’s first cartoon production company – Laugh-o-Gram -- went bust.
Henry Ford first went bankrupt before Ford cars hit it big.
F.W. Woolworth’s first store – the Great Five Cent Store – proved not so great. It totally failed.
Jane Fonda was kicked out of girlscouts for telling dirty jokes.
Dr. Seuss’s first book -- And to Think I Saw it on Mulberry Street -- was turned down by 27 publishing houses.
Fred Smith received a C on his term paper at Yale University for his concept for an overnight delivery service. He went on to create FedEx anyway.
Barbara was told in 1957 by a TV executive to “stay out of television.”
Jerry Seinfeld at one point sold lightbulbs over the phone.
George Lucas’ first movie THX-1138 flopped so majorly every major studio turned down his next movie: American Graffitti. Finally Universal agreed to do it because Coppola got involved. Not only did American Graffiti hit it big – so did Lucas’ next film: Star Wars.

So if you feel despondent today - just remember: at least now you know the exact definiton of despondent…and now you know some very wildly successful people have felt that way at some point too.

True Gifts have No Strings

I believe that true, real gifts have no strings attached, whatever the situation. In today's culture, I realised that presents can be wrought with all sorts of symbolism. But the adage that "It's the thought that counts" still rules, well at least to me. You see, because we were raised in a world in which getting stuffs is equated with love and security, we have made the politics of material exchange a bad policy. I believe that such is not the currency of love at all!

I admit that it is tempting to confuse the two. I am guilty of it in the past. The minute the gift has a hidden agenda it really is not a present. Those who are especially at risk for overruling or distorting the meaning behind a gift are those who were raised to see presents as rewards or love offerings. The focus that 'getting a gift means you have to reciprocate' is wrong.

In my conviction, the real thing in gift-giving is to communicate to your beloved that you thought about her intensely and carefully. It is like saying, "Hey, look how much I thought about you"! Therefore, the best gifts are those that communicate that thoughtfulness. The idea about giving a gift is that you've noticed, you've taken some trouble to do some research or you've been attentive to her interests.

In the end, a gift is only a symbol. The real sign of love is living generously and kindly everyday with the one you love dearly. That should be the gift.

It is in giving that we recieve;
in loving, been loved;
in serving, been served;
in blessing, been blessed.

Thank you, to all my good friends, for being such a gift to me...

20 Hours to 35! Time Out!!!

I am excited, exhausted, but not expired; cos' at 4 am now, I am sipping my heavily-dosed coffee in front of my lap-top screen and CNBC updates! Let me continue . . .

In life, as in sports, I know it is important to finish well. Starting well is important though, but ending well is essential! And if you are a Singaporean, you already have a head-start. So don't complain!!!

Though I'm not particularly fond of soccer, allow me my little locker-room pep talk here as I draw near the 45th minute of the game (of life). I wonder, how did my score measures up? What are my stats? How many good passess, tackles, blocks and goals? I concluded that all these eventually might not be as important as I thought.

Truth is: What good are great stats in my first half if I come up short at the end of my second half? Do I now have the right game plan for life?

Searching honestly within this private chambers of my heart, I acknowledged that I am making a transition from focusing on success to focusing on significance. My frantic pursuit for success in my first half had left me panting, and I can almost feel the breathlessness at my mid-race. But I can also feel the desire to gather speed for the next half.

I want to make my second half more meaningful, more effective as a marketplace catalyst. I want to shake my habit of thinking and change the habits of living and loving. I want to continue to dream great dreams, and plan great plans. I want to make a difference in the lives of those whom I love. I want to make my time and talent counts in the eyes of those who know me.

I want to connect (or actually re-connect) passion with purpose, success with significance, crowds with community, coviction with commitment. I want to develop vehicles for my vision, and find wings for my them. Yes, I wanted passion-driven vision, straight from the heart. As Bruce Brookshire said,

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, but are felt in the heart".

It is not that success is no longer important to me. It still is. However, being "successful" is not an adequate epitaph I seek. It begs the question: "What do I want to be remembered for when I die"? What will be written on my tombstone? The answer to these questions will lead me a step closer to the pursuit of significance. The end of the pursuit will leave a legacy. As Saint Augustine said,

"Asking yourself the question of your own legacy - What do I wish to be remembered for? - is the beginning of adulthood".

I guess I'll have to stop here and start pondering. Too much writing burdens the mind. I will enjoy this day as a simple yet profound gift. Life, afterall, is simply profound and profoundly simple. I will leave with this poem I kept over the years:

Count your garden by the flowers,
Never by leaves that fall.
Count your days by golden hours,
Don't remember clouds at all.
Count your nights by stars, not shadows
Count your life by smiles, not tears.
And with joy on every birthday,
Count your age by friends, not years.

Let's make it count! Happy Birthday to me :)

35 Soon!!! Half-time?

Yes, I am turning 35 in just about another 21 hours.
Hmm...35 years, or 420 months, or 12,775 days, or 306,600 hours, wow!
I have survived, I have lived to eat another meal without been eaten. What a discovery!!!
And if you consider the average lifespan of a male Singaporean to be around 70 years, I am about to hear the half-time whistle from the Great Referee of Life.

And as Bob Buford emphasized in his book "Half Time", I quote,
"One of the most common characteristics of a person nearing the end of the first half (of the game of life) is that unquenchable desire to move from Success to Significance"

I believe the second half of my life can be better than the first. Much better!
I believe this is an important time of transition, a time when I move beyond the first half of the game of life.
I believe it's a time of revitalization, and for catching a vision for living the second half.
I believe this is the half where life can be lived at its most rewarding!

As I embark on my personal renaissance, I am guided to lift up some fundamental questions, like:

What am I really good at?
What do I want to do from here?
What/ Who is most important to me?
What do I want to be remembered for?
If my life were absolutely perfect, what and how would it look like?

I do not have all the answers I want now, but at this point, I do remember a poem:

Instead of counting candles,
Or tallying the years,
Contemplate your blessings,
As your birthday nears.

Consider special people
Who love you and who care,
And others who’ve enriched your life
Just by being there.

Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar,
Experiences great and small
That have made you who you are.

Another year is a happy gift,
So cut your cake, and say,
"Instead of counting birthdays,
I count blessings every day!"

That's it for now. Much later...

One last one...this one is on politics!

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx

A Few More and I am done...I promise!

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

Military what?

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx

I agreed. You can have military or intelligence. You can't have both.

Wonderful Institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx

Keeping receipt

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx

Man - Get the "behind" order right.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx

Seeing Through a Woman?

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx

What is a Hospital Bed?

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx

Education, please!

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry.
Hence University education.
- George Bernard Shaw

Don't Resist!

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.
- George Bernard Shaw

Never do that...

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig.
You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
- George Bernard Shaw

All About Love

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones,
as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.

All the passions make us commit faults;
love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones.

In love we often doubt what we most believe.

It is with true love as it is with ghosts;
everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.

One forgives to the degree that one loves.

Passion makes idiots of the cleverest men, and makes the biggest idiots clever.

Passions are the only orators to always convinces us.

The heart is forever making the head its fool.

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.

There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists,
or simulate it where it does not.

There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations.

We always love those who admire us,
but we do not always love those whom we admire.

- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Short French Quotes

A refusal of praise is a desire to be praised twice.

As it is the characteristic of great wits to say much in few words,
so small wits seem to have the gift of speaking much and saying nothing.

As one grows older, one becomes wiser and more foolish.

- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Marriage

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;
and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your willy in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your arse, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire willy size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your willy, go "Yeah, baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with mould spray.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Choose your best line...

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Thought for the day: in case any of you haven't had one yet.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Failure is not an option; it's bundled with your software.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
We have enough youth; how about a fountain of smart?
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those critical, self-righteous people around me.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
Live each day as if it were your last... and someday you'll be right.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Drink Varnish, and you'll have a lovely finish.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
There's no need to fear falling; it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler than that.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If at first you don't success, see if the loser gets anything.
Department of Redundancy Department.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, ...even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
Practice safe eating ... always use condiments.
I'm out of my mind ... but feel free to leave a message.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Follow your dream ...unless it's the one where you're running naked through Carrefour.
Dogs have owners, and cats have staff.
I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths.

My favourite:

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
2. Age doesn't always brings wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
3. There's no need to fear falling; it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.

Why Men Don't Mind their Own Business

What are the two reasons men don't mind their own business?

1) No mind
2) No business

How do Men ...

How do men sort their washing?

1. Filthy or Filthy but wearable

10 Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren t:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you ll be getting off today?

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn t:

1. It s not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren t:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let s do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For 200 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn t:

1. Think you can get me off?

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren t:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn t:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

When Insults had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."-- Winston Churchill, in response

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."-- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."-- Billy Wilder

There are two days in every week...

There are two days in every week that we should not worry about,
two days that should be kept free, from fear and apprehension.
One is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.
We cannot undo a certain act or take back a word we've said.
Yesterday is gone.

The other day we shouldn't worry about is Tomorrow,
with its impossible adversaries, its burdens, its hopeful promise, and poor performance.
Tomorrow's sun with either rise in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,
but it will rise and until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unknown.

This leaves only one day- Today.
Any person can fight the battle for just one day.
It is only when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.
The sadness comes not from the experience of today,
but the remorse of bitterness for something which happened yesterday,
and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Yesterday was a cancelled cheque that you did not have;
Tomorrow is a promissory note, which you may not have.
Only Today is CASH!
Today is a Gift; That's why we call it The Present.
So "Seize" the Day.

Carpediem!!