Dear Boss,
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
King of the Birds, Lord of the Skies
Gather ye rose buds while ye may, old time is still a flying;
and this same rose that you see today, tomorrow will be dying.
CarpeDiem: Seize the Day!
- Dead Poets Society
Sunday, May 6, 2007
A Phone Conversation: Sizza Delivery
Operator: Thank you for calling Sizza Hunt. May I have your...
Customer: Hi, I'd like to order...
Operator: May I have your NRIC first, sir?
Customer: My NRIC number? Yeah, hold on, er...it's T2056413S."
Operator: Thank you, Mr. Billygate. I see you live at 13531 Midland Drive, phone number's 001-223-7896, office number over at Best Insurance Inc. is 222-3894-123 and cell phone is 6783-20198. You are now calling from home.
Customer: Huh? Where d'ya get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the system, sir.
Customer: (Sighs)--Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-beef Special Sizza.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea for you, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol. And your National Health Service provider does not allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: Shi#*%... What do you recommend, then?
Operator: Try our low-fat Soybean Toufu Sizza, you'll love it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out "Gourmet Soybean Recipes" from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, & what's the damage?
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife & your four kids, sir. The "damage" as you put it, comes to $69.99
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM & get some cash before your delivery van gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn.
Customer: Never mind. Just send the sizzas. I'll have the cashready, how long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying sizzas on your motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: How do you know I'm riding a bike?
Operator: My screen info says here that you're in arrears on your car payments & got repo'ed. But your "Harley's" paid up, I assumed that you'd be using it.
Customer: @#%/$@&?#!
Operator: Please be reminded to watch your language, sir. You've already got a Jan 2019 conviction for cussing out a cop.
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Fizz's your ad says I get with the sizzas.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause does not allow us to offer free soda to diabetics.
Customer: Hi, I'd like to order...
Operator: May I have your NRIC first, sir?
Customer: My NRIC number? Yeah, hold on, er...it's T2056413S."
Operator: Thank you, Mr. Billygate. I see you live at 13531 Midland Drive, phone number's 001-223-7896, office number over at Best Insurance Inc. is 222-3894-123 and cell phone is 6783-20198. You are now calling from home.
Customer: Huh? Where d'ya get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the system, sir.
Customer: (Sighs)--Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-beef Special Sizza.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea for you, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got high blood pressure & extremely high cholesterol. And your National Health Service provider does not allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: Shi#*%... What do you recommend, then?
Operator: Try our low-fat Soybean Toufu Sizza, you'll love it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out "Gourmet Soybean Recipes" from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, & what's the damage?
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife & your four kids, sir. The "damage" as you put it, comes to $69.99
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM & get some cash before your delivery van gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn.
Customer: Never mind. Just send the sizzas. I'll have the cashready, how long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying sizzas on your motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: How do you know I'm riding a bike?
Operator: My screen info says here that you're in arrears on your car payments & got repo'ed. But your "Harley's" paid up, I assumed that you'd be using it.
Customer: @#%/$@&?#!
Operator: Please be reminded to watch your language, sir. You've already got a Jan 2019 conviction for cussing out a cop.
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Fizz's your ad says I get with the sizzas.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause does not allow us to offer free soda to diabetics.
Turning Response into Results
Over the years I've learned to challenge myself to turn my response to the ideas & information I receive into results. According to the Bible, the first couple, Adam and Eve, was instructed to be fruitful - to produce results. Fruitful is kind of an interesting word; it denotes abundance. Here's what I think fruitful, abundance and productivity mean - to go to work on producing more than you need for yourself.
I think we fulfill that command given to us by being productive, to produce far more than we need for ourselves, by blessing others, blessing our community & nation & blessing our enterprise. I challenge myself to produce more ideas than I need for myself so I can share & give my ideas away. Produce more in terms of substance & money & treasure & all things valuable to human beings, far more than I need for myself.
I am reminded of R.G. LeTourneau's story, the man who built the big earth moving machines. It was his goal to someday give away 90% of his income. Giving away far more than anyone could possibly imagine. 90% is an awful lot to give away, but you should have seen the 10% that was left. Once abundance starts to come, once someone becomes incredibly productive, it's amazing what the numbers turn out to be. It's amazing what it finally totals.
So make sure when we are given the opportunity, we will turn our response into results, information into impact, & convictions into contributions, & thus the chance to fulfill the command to be more fruitful & more giving.
"The miracle of the seed and the soil is not available by affirmation; it is only available by labor."
- Jim Rohn
I think we fulfill that command given to us by being productive, to produce far more than we need for ourselves, by blessing others, blessing our community & nation & blessing our enterprise. I challenge myself to produce more ideas than I need for myself so I can share & give my ideas away. Produce more in terms of substance & money & treasure & all things valuable to human beings, far more than I need for myself.
I am reminded of R.G. LeTourneau's story, the man who built the big earth moving machines. It was his goal to someday give away 90% of his income. Giving away far more than anyone could possibly imagine. 90% is an awful lot to give away, but you should have seen the 10% that was left. Once abundance starts to come, once someone becomes incredibly productive, it's amazing what the numbers turn out to be. It's amazing what it finally totals.
So make sure when we are given the opportunity, we will turn our response into results, information into impact, & convictions into contributions, & thus the chance to fulfill the command to be more fruitful & more giving.
"The miracle of the seed and the soil is not available by affirmation; it is only available by labor."
- Jim Rohn
My Sunday Think-Time
Sundays are always good time for thinking & reflection, especially when you wake up fresh, having enough rest over the previous night. I realize how little think time I really have nowadays compare to what I used to practise. Yes, think time: a time to think. Think about things, think about what to think, and also think about what not to think.
It is already May...the 5th month of the 7th year of the 21st century. How time flies! Who would have thought?
I remember back in the 1990s, we wondered what it would be like in the year 2,000. Flying cars, regular commutes to the moon & space, futuristic this & that. We imagined all sorts of things that turned out to be further in the future than we had thought. What really changed in the last one & a half decade? I managed to come up with some: Cars, airplanes, skyscrapers, tennis, hamburgers, TV, air-conditioning, antibiotics, nuclear bombs – all the big things that shaped our lives had already been invented & improved.
Today's cars are so much fancier. We have the Airbus which claims superlative luxury & style. My country's skyline changes so much downtown, with new this & that building boasting $2000 per sq ft. My tennis game has just got faster, thanks to new technology that goes into my racket. And I realised my hamburger no longer taste as good as it used to (same goes for KFC). There is just no more juice in those thighs and breasts (chicken I mean). T.V. just got flater, just got mobile (now that we have MobTV). Air-con goes invertor, and we are in the fourth generation as far antibiotics are concerned. Talking about viral resilence. So, what has been invented since then?
Hmmm...the Internet? I can’t think of anything else.
Of course, the Internet is changing the world. It is part of the reason real estate prices are going up faster in desirable resort locations than elsewhere – so many more people can live in these places & still continue working. It is also changing the way we get information & ideas, never before have so many people had such ready access to so many bad ideas.
And everywhere traditional news media, in which the half-truths & whole-lies are printed on the pulp of trees, is giving way to the new news media, in which the drivel comes to you electronically. I have cancelled my newspaper subcription long time back. I go online for news nowadays; on-the-go, on-demand, & on time.
I cannot help but conclude, through no fault of our own, that we have occasionally been the victim of news media stories, in which the ‘news’ differed dramatically from what we knew to be true, & often to such a degree that the reader would come away with the exact opposite of the truth. But what would you expect? Ours is a fast world but inhabited by a class of people who are particularly dull-witted & lazy, a short-cut thinking generation which demands instant satisfaction & are foreign to delayed gratification.
Meanwhile, global warming seems to having a dichotomizing effect on different parts of the world. Some like it, some don't. The ocean is warmer, icebergs are melting faster than ever, & dry areas seem to be getting drier. Is Global Warming real? I don’t know. All I know is that it seems unusually warm and humid here in "Eagle-land" Singapore. My friend who visited me at my nest yesterday almost fainted despite the air-con was on.
Conclusion: Times have changed, but some things have not. I need to move along, or else move aside. There was a popular saying in my youth: Anchor to the Rock, but Geared to the Times. I think it still holds true, ... I think.
It is already May...the 5th month of the 7th year of the 21st century. How time flies! Who would have thought?
I remember back in the 1990s, we wondered what it would be like in the year 2,000. Flying cars, regular commutes to the moon & space, futuristic this & that. We imagined all sorts of things that turned out to be further in the future than we had thought. What really changed in the last one & a half decade? I managed to come up with some: Cars, airplanes, skyscrapers, tennis, hamburgers, TV, air-conditioning, antibiotics, nuclear bombs – all the big things that shaped our lives had already been invented & improved.
Today's cars are so much fancier. We have the Airbus which claims superlative luxury & style. My country's skyline changes so much downtown, with new this & that building boasting $2000 per sq ft. My tennis game has just got faster, thanks to new technology that goes into my racket. And I realised my hamburger no longer taste as good as it used to (same goes for KFC). There is just no more juice in those thighs and breasts (chicken I mean). T.V. just got flater, just got mobile (now that we have MobTV). Air-con goes invertor, and we are in the fourth generation as far antibiotics are concerned. Talking about viral resilence. So, what has been invented since then?
Hmmm...the Internet? I can’t think of anything else.
Of course, the Internet is changing the world. It is part of the reason real estate prices are going up faster in desirable resort locations than elsewhere – so many more people can live in these places & still continue working. It is also changing the way we get information & ideas, never before have so many people had such ready access to so many bad ideas.
And everywhere traditional news media, in which the half-truths & whole-lies are printed on the pulp of trees, is giving way to the new news media, in which the drivel comes to you electronically. I have cancelled my newspaper subcription long time back. I go online for news nowadays; on-the-go, on-demand, & on time.
I cannot help but conclude, through no fault of our own, that we have occasionally been the victim of news media stories, in which the ‘news’ differed dramatically from what we knew to be true, & often to such a degree that the reader would come away with the exact opposite of the truth. But what would you expect? Ours is a fast world but inhabited by a class of people who are particularly dull-witted & lazy, a short-cut thinking generation which demands instant satisfaction & are foreign to delayed gratification.
Meanwhile, global warming seems to having a dichotomizing effect on different parts of the world. Some like it, some don't. The ocean is warmer, icebergs are melting faster than ever, & dry areas seem to be getting drier. Is Global Warming real? I don’t know. All I know is that it seems unusually warm and humid here in "Eagle-land" Singapore. My friend who visited me at my nest yesterday almost fainted despite the air-con was on.
Conclusion: Times have changed, but some things have not. I need to move along, or else move aside. There was a popular saying in my youth: Anchor to the Rock, but Geared to the Times. I think it still holds true, ... I think.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
A Father's Guts
(Tom Mullen Turns the Tables on his Son's Kidnappers)
Male Newscaster:
Good afternoon, we are interrupting this program to bring you an exclusive report. As you know, we've been following the Mullen kidnapping for about a day or so.
.
Female Newscaster:
We will get back to our regular program, but right now we're going to show you something that you will only see right here: Tom Mullen, Sean Mullen's father. Mr. Mullen?
.
Mullen:
The whole world now knows my son, Sean Mullen, was kidnapped for ransom three days ago. This is a recent photograph of him. Sean, if you're watching, we love you. And this [2 million dollars in cash], well this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Two million dollars in unmarked bills, just like you wanted.
.
But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my son. Not one dime. Not one penny. Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So, congratulations. You've just become a two million dollar lottery ticket, except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for two million dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So, wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time.
.
And to insure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page add in every major newspaper, every Sunday for as long as it takes. But -- and this is your last chance -- you return my son, alive, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck, you can simply disappear. Understand? You will never see this money. Not one dollar.
So, you still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this earth will be.
.
From the movie, Ramson (1996)
Mel Gibson
Getting Referrals
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, `tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five more good leads!" says Tommy
Ha...ha...ha...oh my dear friend, you really have sinned!!!
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, `tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five more good leads!" says Tommy
Ha...ha...ha...oh my dear friend, you really have sinned!!!
Fortune Telling Machine
A nun is waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and farted.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around, and you have just missed your flight to Chicago."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and farted.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around, and you have just missed your flight to Chicago."
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