Food Shortage

A world wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Singapore they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Mongolian VD

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States,
he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?
My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

Men are like...

1. Men are like ...Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like...Blenders. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ... Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ... Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Why...

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free"?

Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against Marriage. WHY?

Because women realize that ... "it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage".

Hospital Experience

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listens very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

It is Important...

Five tips for Women

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other

3 Minute Management Course

3 Minute Management Course

Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
" They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung,
and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull sh#* might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who sh#*'s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of #@* is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep #@*, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.