God Knows

When you are tired and discouraged from fruitless efforts...
God knows how hard you have tried.

When you've cried so long and your heart is in anguish...
God has counted your tears.

If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by...
God is waiting with you.

When you're lonely and your friends are too busy even for a phone call...
God is by your side.

When you think you've tried everything and don't know where to turn...
God has a solution.

When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated...
God has the answer.

If suddenly your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope...
God has whispered to you.

When things are going well and you have much to be thankful for...
God has blessed you.

When something joyful happens and you are filled with awe...
God has smiled upon you.

When you have a purpose to fulfill and a dream to follow...
God has opened your eyes and called you by name.

Remember that wherever you are or whatever you are facing...
GOD KNOWS

" Our heavenly father never takes anything away from His children unless He means to give them something better. "

- George Muller

Student Loan

A student comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears.
"What's the matter pal?" he asked.
His roommate says, "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy a laptop."
"So I guess they said no?" the student asked.
"No, they sent me the laptop," the roommate moaned.

Slow Hard Cash

Dentist: "Try to relax-I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient: "How much will this cost?"
Dentist: "It'll be $100."
Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

Musings

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Singaporeans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go I think. My mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

To Realize the Value of ...

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weeklynewspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment that you have!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!

How to be Really Annoying

1. Staple only on the bottom left of pages.
2. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
3. Stick anti-theft-detector strips with velcro onto your colleagues bags while at the mall.
4. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
5. Honk and wave to strangers.
6. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
7. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
8. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
9. only type in lowercase.
10. dont use any punctuation either
11. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
12. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
13. Answer all questions with your own questions.
14. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
15. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
16. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
17. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
18. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
19. Ask people what gender they are.
20. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
21. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
22. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of disinfectant.
23. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
24. Make beeping noises when a large person comes along.
25. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
26. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
27. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
28. Ask to "interface" with someone.
29. Sing along at the opera.
30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
32. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
33. Never make eye contact.
34. Never break eye contact.
35. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
36. Construct your own pretend "Star Trek tricorder", and "scan" people with it, and give bogus results.
37. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
38. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
39. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
40. Forward e-mail back to the person that sent it to you.


PS: Pls don't try the last one with me. Thks!

Amusing Rules to follow

All of you must have seen a horror movie at one time or another.
So here are some rules to follow, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation as those dumb people on those movies. It's rather lengthy, but amusing nevertheless.

1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3) Never read a book on Demon Summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

6) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to
the place.

7) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out of your house.

9) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

10) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts such as Castle Rock or Salem.

11) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

12) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

13) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

14) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

15) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

16) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone. Don't look, touch or go near it!

17) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his face (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway. Some icky creature would probably burst out from his chest!

18) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster

19) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

20) If you are a female, never show your breasts - easy women are expendable.

21) Never camp or build homes on Red Indian burial grounds.

22) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!

23) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

24) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

25) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will most likely ensure that you are one of those who will get killed.

26) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

27) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise disintegrate it.

28) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.

29) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb. However, do remember that atomic weapons may cause normal creatures such as marine lizards, to grow huge and carnivorous.

30) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot at in the first place)

Habits

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.
- Samuel Johnson

Why are habits so hard to break?

Well, if you take a good look at the word, you will realise that :

If you take away "h", you still have "a bit" of it.
If you take away "a", you still keeping "bit" of it.
If you remove the "b", you still have "it".

A Friend

A friend is someone who knows the song of your soul and sings it back to you when you've forgotten the words.

A good friend stabs you in the front.

- Oscar Wilde

How to be a Millionaire?

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start." The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:

1 - Internet and emails are not the solution to your life.
2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy than a millionaire.....

So, planning to resign and start selling tomatoes, anyone?

Pay Rise Request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies YOUR request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS & fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Pussy Management

3 Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

3 Ears of Corn and $25K

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in
it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife."Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a
heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her.. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.

"Good grief!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here?
Where did all of this come from?"
"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk." The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"

"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

A Happy Person

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
- Hugh Downs