Choose your best line...

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Thought for the day: in case any of you haven't had one yet.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Failure is not an option; it's bundled with your software.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
We have enough youth; how about a fountain of smart?
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those critical, self-righteous people around me.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
Live each day as if it were your last... and someday you'll be right.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Drink Varnish, and you'll have a lovely finish.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
There's no need to fear falling; it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler than that.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If at first you don't success, see if the loser gets anything.
Department of Redundancy Department.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, ...even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
Practice safe eating ... always use condiments.
I'm out of my mind ... but feel free to leave a message.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Follow your dream ...unless it's the one where you're running naked through Carrefour.
Dogs have owners, and cats have staff.
I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths.

My favourite:

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
2. Age doesn't always brings wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
3. There's no need to fear falling; it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.