Mitch Hedberg's Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.