Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
King of the Birds, Lord of the Skies
Gather ye rose buds while ye may, old time is still a flying;
and this same rose that you see today, tomorrow will be dying.
CarpeDiem: Seize the Day!
- Dead Poets Society
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Rolls vs VW
This VW Bug pulled up beside this Rolls at a red light, rolled down his window and asked the Rolls driver, "You got a telephone in that Rolls?" "Matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me." said the Rolls driver. "Me too," said the VW Driver,
"You got a TV in that Rolls?" The Rolls, "Yes I do, right here on the dash." "Me too," said the VW,
"You got a twin bed in the back seat?" Rolls, "No, I do not." "I do" said the VW as the light turns green and he takes off.
The Rolls manages to get the license number. The Rolls heads straight to the Auto Accessory Store not to let the VW Bug out do him. "Yes" the accessory attendant said, "We do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your Rolls." So, after about a week the Rolls driver picked up his Rolls with the newly installed twin bed and immediately set out to locate that VW Bug.
He finally located it parked in the park near the river. As he pulled up beside it he noted that the windows were all fogged over. Knowing what causes this he waited a few minutes. Finally he got out, walked over to the VW, knocked on the window, no response. He waited another few minutes, knocked on the window again. The window lowered a couple inches and the driver said, "Yes?" The Rolls driver said, "I wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Rolls now."
The VW frowns and says, "You get me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
"You got a TV in that Rolls?" The Rolls, "Yes I do, right here on the dash." "Me too," said the VW,
"You got a twin bed in the back seat?" Rolls, "No, I do not." "I do" said the VW as the light turns green and he takes off.
The Rolls manages to get the license number. The Rolls heads straight to the Auto Accessory Store not to let the VW Bug out do him. "Yes" the accessory attendant said, "We do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your Rolls." So, after about a week the Rolls driver picked up his Rolls with the newly installed twin bed and immediately set out to locate that VW Bug.
He finally located it parked in the park near the river. As he pulled up beside it he noted that the windows were all fogged over. Knowing what causes this he waited a few minutes. Finally he got out, walked over to the VW, knocked on the window, no response. He waited another few minutes, knocked on the window again. The window lowered a couple inches and the driver said, "Yes?" The Rolls driver said, "I wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Rolls now."
The VW frowns and says, "You get me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
Monday, April 2, 2007
President's Address to the U.S. Fighter Pilots
The President: "Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind.
Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today.
We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore.
We will be united in our common interests.
Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution -- but from annihilation.
We're fighting for our right to live, to exist.
And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:
"We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on!
We're going to survive!"
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"
From the movie - "Independence Day" (1996)
My favourite line is highlighted in red.
Funny Milton Berle's Humor I
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle
Upgrade to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,Desperate
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 9.9. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,Desperate
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 9.9. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Why I Fire My Secretary?
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Karen said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then, Karen knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake - followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday...and...
... and I just sat there, on the couch, NAKED!!!
I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Karen said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then, Karen knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake - followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday...and...
... and I just sat there, on the couch, NAKED!!!
Money Rules to Live By IX
The miracle of compound interest
I called it the 8th Wonder of the World. This is a concept best illustrated by this classic example.
Let's say I give you a cent today, and promise to double the amount every day for a full month.
How much money would I be giving you on the 31st day?
The answer: $10.7 million.
Don't believe? Check it out: It all adds up
Day 1 $0.01
Day 2 $0.02
Day 3 $0.04
Day 4 $0.08
Day 5 $0.16
Day 6 $0.32
Day 7 $0.64
Day 8 $1.28
Day 9 $2.56
Day 10 $5.12
Day 11 $10.24
Day 12 $20.48
Day 13 $40.96
Day 14 $81.92
Day 15 $163.84
Day 16 $327.68
Day 17 $655.36
Day 18 $1,310.72
Day 19 $2,621.44
Day 20 $5,242.88
Day 21 $10,485.76
Day 22 $20,971.52
Day 23 $41,943.04
Day 24 $83,886.08
Day 25 $167,772.16
Day 26 $335,544.32
Day 27 $671,088.64
Day 28 $1,342,177.28
Day 29 $2,684,354.56
Day 30 $5,368,709.12
Day 31 $10,737,418.24 !!!
Each day, the "interest" I paid you the previous day earns more interest. At the beginning, the amounts are nominal, but by the end we're talking big bucks. Look carefully, and you will realise that it is compounding at an interest rate of 100% per day!
Of course, no one's going to double your money every day. But this concept explains how people who save relatively small amounts over the years can build rather substantial nest eggs. After a few decades, their actual contributions represent only a small part of their burgeoning wealth - it's mostly their returns that are earning returns.
But this also illustrates how debts can quickly balloon out of control. If you're paying interest, rather than incurring it, and you're not diligent about paying off the finance charges in full every month, the unpaid amount will incur additional interest charges, increasing the total amount that you owe. This is why so many families who incur credit card debt eventually find themselves in trouble as the amounts they owe explode past their ability to pay.
There are plenty more nifty and helpful money concepts, but these nine are among my favorites. Please feel free to add on to the list as you deem necessary.
I called it the 8th Wonder of the World. This is a concept best illustrated by this classic example.
Let's say I give you a cent today, and promise to double the amount every day for a full month.
How much money would I be giving you on the 31st day?
The answer: $10.7 million.
Don't believe? Check it out: It all adds up
Day 1 $0.01
Day 2 $0.02
Day 3 $0.04
Day 4 $0.08
Day 5 $0.16
Day 6 $0.32
Day 7 $0.64
Day 8 $1.28
Day 9 $2.56
Day 10 $5.12
Day 11 $10.24
Day 12 $20.48
Day 13 $40.96
Day 14 $81.92
Day 15 $163.84
Day 16 $327.68
Day 17 $655.36
Day 18 $1,310.72
Day 19 $2,621.44
Day 20 $5,242.88
Day 21 $10,485.76
Day 22 $20,971.52
Day 23 $41,943.04
Day 24 $83,886.08
Day 25 $167,772.16
Day 26 $335,544.32
Day 27 $671,088.64
Day 28 $1,342,177.28
Day 29 $2,684,354.56
Day 30 $5,368,709.12
Day 31 $10,737,418.24 !!!
Each day, the "interest" I paid you the previous day earns more interest. At the beginning, the amounts are nominal, but by the end we're talking big bucks. Look carefully, and you will realise that it is compounding at an interest rate of 100% per day!
Of course, no one's going to double your money every day. But this concept explains how people who save relatively small amounts over the years can build rather substantial nest eggs. After a few decades, their actual contributions represent only a small part of their burgeoning wealth - it's mostly their returns that are earning returns.
But this also illustrates how debts can quickly balloon out of control. If you're paying interest, rather than incurring it, and you're not diligent about paying off the finance charges in full every month, the unpaid amount will incur additional interest charges, increasing the total amount that you owe. This is why so many families who incur credit card debt eventually find themselves in trouble as the amounts they owe explode past their ability to pay.
There are plenty more nifty and helpful money concepts, but these nine are among my favorites. Please feel free to add on to the list as you deem necessary.
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