dis·so·nance / ˈdɪsənəns/ [dis-uh-nuhns]
1. inharmonious or harsh sound; discord; cacophony.
2. disagreement or incongruity; lack harmony
3. a conflict of people's opinions or actions or characters
Dear Siao Kia,
After our last meeting, I began to go back & do some serious thinking by myself, since I can tell that you are obviously too drunk to fire any neurons, just drinking but not thinking with me. The one word that appeared seems to be "dissonance".
I have conflicting views in my current situation. I am confronted by multiple inharmonious outlook as I shuttle inconsistently between the beliefs I hold, the feelings I had, & the actions I took. I sensed you are also in the same situation, albeit with a different person (Miss MCB).
Past few days has been nothing but hurt & pain. I almost quitted. Questions abound. Should I give up what I believe to be right & true? What & who determine objectivity? This morning, I managed to put all these voices into writing, and here they are:
1. Certain choices I planned to take are not an option to me at all. They are non-negotiable.
2. God can turn things around. He can make a way, when there seems to be no way.
3. God's sovereignty prevails. Hence, what can I learned out of this painful experience?
Yes, it is difficult to love someone who has taken me for granted for 6 months (& still no telling when she decides to come back home). But I will not choose the easy way out. That way is not an option for me, at least not for now, & not from me. I can't stop her from going ahead with the separation, though. She has a choice, so have I. For now, I will choose to love despite of the pain.
I believe God can turn things around for the better. He is good to all. I might not be able to fully comprehend the word "good", nor calibrate exactly what is "better", I know I can trust Him to make things beautiful in His time. Otherwise, I really need to rethink my theology.
Coping with this dissonance has not been easy. I realised the root of all these centred on my wrong view of love. I wanted reciprocity; I wanted love in return. That's a way of saying "It's my way, or no way". If it is not my deal, then it is no deal. I realised that if God's term is similar to mine, Jesus will not die on the cross. My love should not be premised by reciprocity.
For now, I can only wait & be patient.
King of the Birds, Lord of the Skies
Gather ye rose buds while ye may, old time is still a flying;
and this same rose that you see today, tomorrow will be dying.
CarpeDiem: Seize the Day!
- Dead Poets Society
1 comment:
Yo bro. Though our situations may be vastly different, all of us are going through difficult choices where more tempting choices are easier to make. That's what it boils down to.
This morning, it suddenly occured to me that MCB and me are over. It seemed as if there is nothing left in me to give her. We may progress further as nothing is sure, but it's not likely though.
I wish you all the best as you make this difficult choice in your life.
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