Amusing Rules to follow

All of you must have seen a horror movie at one time or another.
So here are some rules to follow, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation as those dumb people on those movies. It's rather lengthy, but amusing nevertheless.

1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3) Never read a book on Demon Summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

6) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to
the place.

7) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out of your house.

9) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

10) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts such as Castle Rock or Salem.

11) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

12) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

13) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

14) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

15) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

16) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone. Don't look, touch or go near it!

17) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his face (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway. Some icky creature would probably burst out from his chest!

18) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster

19) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

20) If you are a female, never show your breasts - easy women are expendable.

21) Never camp or build homes on Red Indian burial grounds.

22) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!

23) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

24) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

25) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will most likely ensure that you are one of those who will get killed.

26) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

27) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise disintegrate it.

28) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.

29) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb. However, do remember that atomic weapons may cause normal creatures such as marine lizards, to grow huge and carnivorous.

30) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot at in the first place)